Humour

"I don´t want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses then."
"Well, don´t play with him again."

Patient: "Doctor, my family thinks I´m mad."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient: "Because I like sausages."
Doctor: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: "You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds."

Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said "School ahead - go slow"!"

"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven" said the teacher.
Everyone put their hands up except Jimmy.
"Don´t you want to go to Heaven, Jimmy?"
"I can´t miss," said Jimmy. "My mum told me to come straight home."

"Waiter, there´s a dead fly in my soup."
"Yes, sir, it´s the heat that kills them."

A man was buying a Rolls-Royce and wanted to pay in cash, but he found he was 2p short of the 15,000 needed. Outside the car showrooms he saw a man selling newspapers, and he went out and asked him:
"Could you lend me 2p? I want to buy a Rolls-Royce."
"Sure," replied the man. "But look - here´s 4p. Buy one for me as well."

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